More than simply a conundrum for even the well-above average man, I had to go to the literature to find an appropriate introduction for Part IV in our series, “Wait, That Person Got into Medical School??” Okcupid.com offers our best psychological analysis of the woman that is Kelly Esposito. And I quote, “Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you’re the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don’t seem to take yourself too seriously, and that’s refreshing. You aren’t uptight; you don’t over-plan. You’re very selective. The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You’re out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. You are the Wild Rose.”Weaklings beware; you are unwelcome.
The first meeting of the minds between Kelly and me did not go as well as planned. Last year on her 22nd birthday, I came to her said birthing anniversary already a wee bit tipsy. It was a few days after recovering from my infamous “swine flu” experience, and soon I was immersing myself in Jell-O shots that quickly were dubbed “swine shots” since everything I touched was immediately contaminated. About a week later over half our class came down with H1N1, and I was given quite a bad rep from that party (although everyone knows that Timica Campbell was the first to acquire the disease and spread it around the lecture hall. So there.).
After that rocky start, however, I have managed to infiltrate her inner circle. Whether this is due to our athletic connection (2006 National Champion with the UNC Women’s Soccer team), or the fact that I could provide her with copious amounts of Benadryl whilst wandering through the Bolivian rainforest, I’m not sure. But my enthusiasm for quoting Steve the Lawnmower Guy occasionally (and Family Guy frequently) can’t hurt our friendship.
Kelly joins our Class of 2013 from Wilmington, NC, though she avidly saves lives on Carolina Beach year round. She was a Journalism/Biology double major at UNC, and I’ll skip all the other boring details that you’ve come to expect from my classmates (Phi Beta Kappa, UNC Honors Program, Dean’s List 7 out of 8 semesters, academic scholarship recipient, collegiate athlete on perhaps the greatest dynasty in all of American sports, fluent in other languages, uber-volunteer extraordinaire, yada yada yada). It should be noted, however, that the reason she wasn’t awarded Dean’s List in a perfect 8 for 8 was due to the fact that she spent a semester abroad in Mexico, investigating the merits of Tequila and beans.
Perhaps more importantly, she is one of the few people that my father can pick out of a police line-up. I have brought numerous girlfriends (and friends who are girls) home to Kensington, MD, and I am fairly certain that they have blurred into one entity that is violating his virgin son. Kelly on the other hand has made an indelible impression. A week before eating dinner with the Swendimans, I had to tell my mother in advance that Ms. Esposito was a vegan. This spurred hours of research and a few test runs of dishes by my mother, culminating in a wonderful meatless/eggless/cheese-less feast prepared for us (much to the chagrin of Pops). During supper, Kelly referred to those of the carnivorous persuasion as “You People!” which garnered a wonderful rise out of my father. Don’t worry though, she made up for it by writing a heartfelt Thank You note for the weekend, and referred to my parents as Mr. and Mrs. Swendiman. All in all, that’s called a home run in my household.
(For my future wife nota bene: speak up, write a thank you note, and stay away from use of first-names. Otherwise you don’t have a shot.)
This garnered the familial trust in Kelly necessary to allow her to perform minor surgery on my mother: a post-operative removal of 2-vicryl single abdominal stitch. With the support of her team (Ronnie Milam the Ophthalmologist for lighting and Clodagh Mullen the Gastroenterologist present as an abdominal consult), she was able to remove the suture expertly, despite the third-world tools that the Swendiman bathroom / operating room provided. I sat patiently in the kitchen / waiting room with Pops during the procedure, awaiting the results.
Thank You note writing and surgical prowess aside, Kelly adds many other talents to her CV, including:
- Rote knowledge of the entire Miss South Carolina speech concerning the lack of maps in the United States, like such as
- Midnight baking: culinary delicacies of the vegan variety
- Certified 5 Star Chick
- Knows exactly where da gold at, and the genealogy of magical flutes found in the southern U.S.
- Intimate familiarity with da Clay Leek, Bolivia Pampas, and full list animals that Ronnie Milam would like to wrangle
- 11 years as an expert flutist
- Fluent in the language of Yoda from Star Wars
One of my best friends and the last of us four that conquered the Peruvian/Bolivian rain forest during Spring Break, I present to you Ms. Kelly Esposito. Hopefully by reading this blog, you feel less than adequate right now, and that’s okay. I sometimes do too, but I make up for it with an unadulterated bitterness which she finds amusing. Now what do you have to offer? Come on down and let her speak her mind; we can confirm the diagnosis of your patent inferiority. But if you feel up to the challenge (i.e. if you are not a weakling), then I dare you bring your A-game and try to hollar.
But good luck, and don't be talkin' about practice. Practice?
This is wonderful!!!!
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