Work Hurts

Take a look here at UNC School of Medicine's revamped art and literary journal. There are some really good pieces to peruse through. I submitted a piece called "Work Hurts" to the journal...

"Work Hurts"
http://www.med.unc.edu/iris/index/flip../work-hurts

IRIS: UNC SOM Art and Literary Journal
http://www.med.unc.edu/iris

Work/Life Balance (Again)

So it's been a while since my last few posts. I have had a lot on my plate. These past few months has reminded me of the fall of my senior year in college, when I was trying to be captain of the swim team, do research in the lab, take an EMT-Basic course at the local community college, and go to class (when possible - which was not often). Swimming was a 30+ hours per week commitment, research was 10, EMT class was another 10, and my courses took up the rest. It ended up poorly; I received a "C" in physical chemistry, the second of my college career. I was completely overcommitted.

This semester has been fairly similar (minus the heavy swimming). I got involved in a number of research projects, and I am very excited about all of them. The first I have described here before: looking at psychological safety in third year medical students in integrated clerkships. Bringing together Harvard and UNC to work on this has been excellent. The second project is at Brigham and Women's Hospital, studying videos of how new interns interact in novel teams. This is an attempt to quantify leadership in small groups, looking at simulated semi-acute care scenarios. The third project is my "thesis" or "policy analysis exercise" (PAE). My PAE is a daily emotional roller-coaster. I am working with the CEO of Mission Health in Asheville, conducting interviews on rural health systems best practices, among other interests. Like any good thesis, there are days when I feel like the world is ending. More on this later...

These initiatives, along with school, trying to learn medicine again, funding applications (which never end), and weekend conferences is the reason why, once again, I am mostly underwater. Just like last time, I end up doing a lot of things "good," but nothing "great" (and some things just poorly). This is completely against my nature. I would rather do a few activities very well, and leave the smaller projects off the table. This semester though, I have prioritized the research components over school, and the latter suffered in the process (sound familiar?). This is why I repeatedly say that I cannot wait to start medical school again, so I can get back into doing a few things (hopefully) well.

So it seems I am still working on the infamous "work/life" balance. I've had the chance to speak to a number of residents and attendings about residency, and I keep hearing a common theme: everyone should do ONE thing outside of work very well. When the 80+ hours are up, you should be able to go home and do that ONE thing. If your ONE thing is cooking, plan on really cooking something special three times a week. If you have kids, go be a great parent when at home. For me, I am planning on working out being that ONE important thing. This summer I am working with my personal trainer (Zach Swartz - yes I know, nothing changes after undergrad) to do six 30-minute workouts a week, alternating lifting and cardio. Zach writes the three strength/power blocks, and I alternate 30 minutes of aerobic exercise each day, hopefully swimming and running. I have to pick something that is doable, but will also keep me in (okay) shape. If I can maintain this schedule for three months during Acting Internships this summer, then hopefully I have a chance of doing it in residency as well.

The problem is, I like being overcommitted rather than undercommitted. It is a curse. I am very unhappy when I am bored.

There are some very exciting things to look forward to though. I have a Medical Student Leadership Conference for Surgery candidates at the University of Michigan coming up, a retreat at Glenn Dubin's house (my fellowship donor), and weddings. More on all this to come!

#MatchEnvy

So I've been off "the Facebook" for a while, and it is definitely a good thing. First of all, I wasted sooo much time on the Facebook (who doesn't?!). Oodles and oodles of time down the drain. But more importantly, I am missing the scared / angsty / happy / elated / tears / defeated / #MinuteByMinute emotional roller-coaster of posts that are all over "the Feed" these days. It's not that I'm not happy for my classmates; I'm just green with envy.

Read: #MatchEnvy.

As I've said before, it has been a very interesting year, with plenty of ups and downs. As the semester draws to a close, I have seen myself pivot towards more academic pursuits rather than focusing on strict public policy. I have greatly enjoyed my leadership research at the simulation team at Brigham and Women's Hospital, as well as my work with both UNC and Harvard's Longitudinal Integrated Clerkships (the Asheville Programs in both places) investigating psychological safety (an idea came out of one of my former blog posts! - "Why Asheville Works"). These have been very exciting projects. But still, nothing compares to my experience last year as a third year medical student. It was the best year of my life, and being away from it for 10 months just renews my commitment to learning to be a great doctor.

If I have learned only one thing this year, it's that I love seeing patients. I cannot see myself being anything other than a physician.

And that's why I'm green with #MatchEnvy. I'm so ready for the process. I wasn't last July, but now I am. I'm ready to write my personal statement, and tell potential programs why I need to be a surgeon. I'm ready for the applications, the lists, the interviews, the dinners with residents, the match, and the (cross my fingers) move to a new location. I'm ready to settle down in one spot and buy a house. I AM READY TO HAVE A REAL JOB! I WANT TO BE A REAL PERSON!

I am very ready to do something I love. School is great, and I know there are people that become lifelong students. But I cannot sit in the classroom anymore. This semester I am fulfilling Harvard's financial management requirement, so I'm taking "Survey of Financial Topics in Nonprofits." It is an hour and fifty minute class on Wednesday afternoons with a wonderful professor, but it's no whipple (I very much want a whipple). I just can't sit anymore; I want to work. LET ME TALK TO PEOPLE AGAIN!

And so I'm antsy. I'm antsy and envious. May 28th, when I'm back in the hospital and on the Family Med inpatient service, cannot come soon enough.

Wooo-sah. Live in the moment.

My Purpose

My purpose is to alleviate human suffering. Many times suffering can be lessened with a cure; other times, a touch, a hand, or a word. In some cases, suffering can only be eased in death. As a medical student, I am taught to cure. As a human, I must also care.

To accomplish this purpose in life, much training will be required. The formal training throughout medical school, residency, and life as an attending physician will be difficult, but rewarding. The latter aspect, though, the “care,” will require vigilance. Each patient offers an opportunity to practice in real-time, yet so often we doctors are pulled by other voices: prestige, money. We can wall ourselves off in order to rationalize the suffering.

I want to alleviate suffering as a caring surgeon. One of the reasons I was drawn to surgery was because of the intense relationships that many patients have with their surgeons. But the one-to-one individual relationships are only part of my purpose. I came to the Kennedy School to help broaden my impact, changing policy such that suffering is lessened on a larger scale. I believe that improving the way patients interact with our health care system is another way to accomplish my goal.

I chosen this profession because many close to me have suffered because of their health, and many still do. I suffer. But I know from experience that it doesn’t have to be that way. A healthy body can lead to a healthy mind, and visa versa. With good health, more people can accomplish their own purpose.

Balancing my aspirations with my ambitions will be difficult. There is a lot of low hanging fruit in medicine, and it is easy to lose one’s way. Churning out research, moving up in the food chain: these can focus me away from my purpose, and one must find a careful balance.

Thus, I believe strengthening my holding environment is of the utmost importance. I believe the best way to do this is to surround myself with good people: others who have a similar purpose. I have been able to do this well in medical school. Good people remind us of our aspirations, and can put our ambitions in perspective. I will need to do this constantly if I am to maintain a steady course.

The second part of maintaining my holding environment is to remain engaged with suffering, never getting too far away. It is too easy to rationalize, forget, and disconnect with something if it is out of sight. In order to alleviate suffering it must also be part of my daily routine. Accepting it, but never becoming numb to it. This makes surrounding oneself with good people even more important.

“To live is to suffer, to survive is find some meaning in the suffering.”- Friedrich Nietzsche


(This statement of purpose was an assignment through my Leadership class. It asked each of us to meditate on why we are here.)