Why have I not taken this DAMN exam already?!? This is ridiculous. I was ready for this thing at least a week ago. June 1st. If there was one thing I would have done differently over these past few months, it would have been to move my exam up a week. That would have given Kelly, Anna, and me over three weeks in North Africa! But what is done is done, and I will finish these last few days out strong.
Sigh. On Tuesday, Momma Bear took Matt Forgues and me out for dinner at Vespa. With one week to go before my exam (and two and a half for Matt), this was a wonderful little celebration. We both took a practice test in the morning, and then we were able to fully relax in the evening. These weeks "off" are weird. At least when you're in school, you have a cut and dry structure: you know what you have to do in the mornings, and you know what you have to do for the tests. Now, all-day-everyday is open. Exactly how much time is spent studying is up to you, but your conscience comes in loud and clear. On one shoulder there is an "angel" telling you that every moment you relax another moment is lost. You could be studying right now, you know that, right? Don't you want to look over those lysosomal storage diseases one more time before bed? Why not do a couple more questions to stay on track? Chop chop! On the other shoulder, Devil Robert is whispering, Come on, man! Take a day off, or a week! You've done plennnnty. You have six Tosh.0's on the DVR and they aren't going to watch themselves! It's an annoying battle between good and evil each day. My guilt lets good win out.
However, since taking this practice test on Tuesday, it's been more evil than good. I am so over this, mentally. I have the 2-3 hours of reading I want to do on the day before, but other than that I WANT TO BE DONE! How much am I going to really be able to learn in the next week? Most of it honestly has been review, just plugging away at First Aid and USMLEworld. But there is that guilt...
The most important thing I've done over the last week is to accept the fact that I can't know everything. When I find a new little tidbit in First Aid, I forget a different little tidbit 300 pages back. Learn something, forget something else. There is only a finite amount of brain space up there (think about that, your head would have to grow!), and after a certain point, little morsels start slipping out your ears. Without clinical relevance, it is impossible to make all this stuff stick. So, I know come test day, there will be things on the exam that I've never heard of, and I don't care anymore. It doesn't matter. You can't know everything. I've accepted this, and it's calming. I know what I'm going to know, and I'm just ready to get it over with.
The thing that's weird about this exam is how it consumes you. Years from now, I will look back on these past few months and laugh about all the stress and anxiety it caused me and the people around me. We're the ones who built this up so much in our minds. But, when that's really what you do all day (besides the sleeping/exercising/eating/breaking), it's tough to talk about much else. This is what I'm most looking forward to: post-Step 1 there will be no Step 1 talking. There will be Morocco-talking, Hieroglyphicing, and Turkey-gobbling, only. We will be on the "other side."
Well, enough is enough. No more talking. Let's get it done!
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