Alan Smeltzy

Alan Matthew Smeltz (affectionately known as "Smeltzy" by moi and many other MS1s) is my esteemed colleague and roommate. He is a brilliant and simple creature, whom I liken to a hummingbird. He is lightning-quick in the mental arena, has an insatiable thirst for sugar water (and for knowledge/peanut butter and jelly sandwiches), and will lift your spirits. How did a man of this caliber end up rooming with such a lazy shmuck (that's "shithead" in Yiddish - translation courtesy of Frank Comfort)? Simple. Last May I emailed 20 of my future first-year classmates, requesting their review of a beautiful two-bedroom, 2.5 bath flat in the Forest of Finley. I listed my asking price (cheaper than most of Chapel Hill), and noted its proximity to bus lines, tennis courts, pool, etc. I promptly received 19 "No, thank you's" and 1 emphatic "Yes." That was Smeltzy, and the rest is history, as they say.

Alan was born on January 6, 1981. His pediatric years were spent winning computer programming awards in Wake Forest, N.C., but let's fast-forward to his collegiate resume, where Smeltzy attended Western Carolina and received his BA in music. To say that Alan was simply a "music major" is demeaning, because after being wait-listed at Juliard (the Harvard of the Arts), he graduated from Western playing every instrument ever made. Though this may be literary hyperbole, it's not far from the truth. Every now and then I can hear the trombone blasting through the thin walls of the Condo, and it is my understanding that he can play most brass and woodwinds easily. After college, Smeltzy took a few gigs with the Ashville Symphony Orchestra and the Greater Spartanburg Philharmonic, before receiving a full ride to graduate school at Florida State University. It is at this point, with thousands of dollars raining on him like Fat Joe, Alan decided to switch career paths. He was going to be a doctor, and a damn good one at that.

So Alan went to college (again), this time at UNC-Charlotte, where a few lazy group members kept him a hundreth short of perfection. He received his BS in Biology and a minor in Chemistry, while he worked in different labs and published. From there it was time to apply to medical school and fulfill the dream. Carolina was the one. All he had to do was find a place to live in Chapel Hill, which brings us back to how we were introduced. His king-sized bed somehow fit through the door (as did the trombone), and we were off to become doctors.

I was quickly impressed by my roommate’s intellect, desire, and work ethic. The only way I could corrupt him was to watch episode after episode of the Big Bang Theory, but this has not blemished his study habits one bit. He has a phenomenal understanding of science and medicine, and I couldn't be luckier. Not because he pulls up the class average (as that usually hurts me), but because three hours of Histology with Smeltzy the night before a Phys exam brings nothing but good fortune. UNC-SOM frankly should fund him, since he IS my professor of funny-looking pictures. And they should also pay him for putting up with me. He is more than happy to workout at the gym with me, crunch abs until we pass out, run 3 to 4 milers, listen to me whine about gunners, and place the dishes in the dishwasher in a very certain way (just for me!). He even agreed to play a star role in the "5 Star Nerve" music video, as well as be part of the Human Brachial Plexus (don't worry, you'll see). Not to mention that he puts up with all my "you went to high school in the 70s" and other geriatric jokes.

That's not to say Smeltzy hasn't learnt anything from me: now he knows how to skip class and listen to lecture capture on Quicktime at 1.75 speed.

Yeah, that's about all he's learned from me.

In all seriousness, I'm a lucky man to have a roommate as great as Smeltzy. I've also really been lucky in the past... Adam, Adam 2.0, and Phil set a high bar for my future roommates (Swartz, you don't count. You were awful, but thank you for the extra microwave.). Alan has been fantastic, and has lived up to all the expectations. That's why I've extended his contract and locked him up for another year.

I love you, man.