Really Really Missing Medicine

As the year has progressed, I am reminded daily why I went to medical school: I miss taking care of people. While I have enjoyed aspects of taking a year off to study public policy, there are many times when I agonize about not seeing patients and having all the knowledge I built up over the past three years slowly slip away. Some of my colleagues are starting to interview for residency slots, and all my closest friends stayed in North Carolina this year. With Thanksgiving around the corner, I have been trying to keep everything in perspective. Every time this "gap" year starts to get me down, I try to remind myself how fortunate I am to be in school, to be a future doctor, and be bestowed such wonderful opportunities. But in truth, it has been a difficult year.

The year has been much like my gap year after undergrad. There are many parallels. Although I was not writing about my journey via social media, I was journaling frequently. That "super-senior" year came with an identity crisis. I could no longer define myself as a swimmer or a student, but I didn't have a vocation either. I was working at Starbucks, while my friends had moved on to graduate schools and investment banking. I was questioning who I was and where was I going. I learned that what I thought was hard-work was going to be barely passing if I wanted to be a doctor, and I had to take a crash course in honesty. In reflection, I don't look fondly upon that year, but I do understand its importance for personal growth. I learned a lot about myself, and I realized I had a lot of growing up to do.

This year has been similar. I thought taking time off to study public policy and leadership would answer many of my questions; instead it has engendered even more. I am currently reading a book called True North by Bill George, former CEO of MedTronic and professor at the Harvard Business School. In the introduction, he lays out what he believes should be one of the most important questions any leader must ask himself or herself, "What is the purpose of my leadership?" It is this question that I have struggled with all year. There are many things I am passionate about, and numerous fields I could see myself delving deep into. I love the ethics of health care. I love leadership in medicine. I have found writing cathartic. I have relished my time in rural care, as well as pediatric surgery. I like certain types of research, but I can't stand the bureaucracy. As one of my friends in school recently quipped, "It sounds like you love academics, but hate academia." Perhaps there is some truth to that statement. I feel like I have so many passions that are pulling me in different directions, I just don't know where to begin.

And I feel like I'm ready to take the reigns on a passion and run with it.

The question of whether I see myself as part of the academic world is an interesting one. As one of my former mentors recently told me, "My dad's an academic, my mother's an academic, and my sister's an academic. Every time I question why I don't live in that world, I just spend an afternoon with them and I am easily reminded." Throughout my short medical career I have very much understood that sentiment. But at the same time I have realized that do some of the things I want to do in medicine, I may need that support structure. It is exhausting to think about sometimes, and I need to do a better job living in the present, not the future.

Later in True North, Bill George reminds the reader, "The hardest person you will ever have to lead is yourself." At all points in our careers, this remains true. However, I am finding that now this is particularly apt. Perhaps that path will become clearer in the next few years...