Lifting Weights 101 - Get It Together, Harvard

I'm taking up a new cause. I've decided to petition all the schools here at Harvard to require "Lifting Weights 101: How to not look like a weightlifting virgin." Inspired by the upcoming election, I have decided to make phone calls, canvass local businesses, yell and scream in the Quad, and run my own TV ads. The amount of idiocy and general douchebaggery in the weight rooms here has been absolutely atrocious. First of all, the student gyms here are abysmally tiny (of course no one knows about the Business school gym - us "normies" aren't allowed). Sure, there are 100 ellipticals lining the walls, but if you can work out your Differential Equations homework while "faux-running," you aren't working out. Where are the squat racks? Why do I have to weight an hour to bench press (pun intended)?! I would love to say that I'm going to raise enough money to build new facilities here, but I can't. However, in the meantime I will require all undergrads and graduate students to learn a few basic lessons about gym etiquette.

Here are the Top 10 lessons Harvard students should take away. People who lift at the law school gym and the MAC, this is for you:

1. The weights should be EQUAL on BOTH SIDES of the bar. I'm leading with a very crucial learning point here, so pay attention. I recently watched someone bench pressing (if you can call it that) with a 35 lbs. plate on one side, and a five and a 25 lbs. plate on the other. 35 does not equal 30, people. Where do I start with how piss poor this is? First of all, it immediately proves that Harvard is not accepting the "best and brightest." Admissions committees here must be sure to screen out such individuals, perhaps on the campus tour through the gym facilities (as Kelly knows, I use lifting knowledge as part of my screening test for women... Harvard could learning something from this). Anything less is a disgrace to the institution. Furthermore, be advised that a 45 plate on one side, and a 25, 10, and a 10 on the other is ALSO NOT THE SAME! PUT EQUAL WEIGHTS ON BOTH SIDES. Goodness gracious.
2. Don't wear a hat on the premises. You look like a douche.
3. Rack your daggum weights! Okay, I shouldn't have to spend half my time scouting machines and racks that aren't in use. You put weights on when you start, then you take them off when you're done. If you just leave them there, other people think you are still doing that exercise. Don't be that guy (or girl). Rack 'em and stack 'em, like Willie. No one wants to be the one who has to take off your two and a halves from the bar. It's just annoying.
4. Couples lifting is sketchy at best; holding hands makes patrons vomit. Working out is sacred time. Throw on your music, get lean, and get mean. The gym is not a movie theater, a hotel room, or the back of a Chevy, i.e. no hanky-panky. Twice I have spotted couples canoodling (sp?) between sets, and that is not okay. And, "I don't use tongue" is not an excuse. If I have to say this again, someone is getting slapped.
5. Headbands are for people who can pro-bench ONLY. If you don't know what pro-benching is, don't even think about throwing on your LeBron band. At the NFL Scouting Combine, they have the athletes see how many times they can bench 225 lbs. That's the bar with two 45 lbs. plates on either side. If you can't lift this (let along a 45 lbs. plate by itself), again, please don't try to make any fashion statements.
6. You don't need anything to make the bar "softer" when you squat. No towels, no other contraptions. Squatting with the bar on your shoulders doesn't hurt. If it does, you either squat with Ray Lewis weight or (more likely) you just need to suck it up.
7. I'm 6'5'' 200 lbs., I SHOULD NOT LOOK LIKE A WEIGHTLIFTING GOD. At Carolina, I'm puny. At Harvard, I'm Arnold Schwarzenegger. Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer. Just saying that I shouldn't be the one writing this blog.
8. Don't ever tell me you don't know how to "spot." I know you have your iPhone on you, because God forbid you would miss a journal publication whilst working out. Ask Siri what it means to "spot."
9. Never lift in a button-down dress shirt. Really?! #PaulRyanWearsUnderArmor #SoShouldYou
10. If you don't know what you are doing, hire a personal trainer. There's an awesome dude whom I see all the time in the weight room who looks like Leonard from the Big Bang Theory. He doesn't know what he's doing, but instead of making the many egregious mistakes above, he is using the available athletic trainers to help him beef up and win over the lady-folk. Every time I see him, it brings tears of joy to my eyes. This is the kind of common sense that is needed in these dark times.

Heed my wrath. Now go and prosper.