3rd Year Quotes

Inspired by Liz Baltaro (medicaljourneyliz.com), I attempted to jot down some of the funny/disturbing/quirky/disparaging/are-you-kidding-me quotes I overheard this year in the hospital. I admit I did a poor job, as there were so many more that I forgot to transcribe immediately into this blog. However, this should give you the gist of some of the many conversations that patients (hopefully) don't hear in the hospital. I tried not to quote patients directly, keeping it just to what providers said, but there was one quote I just couldn't leave out (it's hard to miss). So without further ado, I bring to you the third year of medical school...


"Robert, what is the only organ you can't transplant? That's right, the human brain. But when they do figure out how to do brain transplants, they are always going to use the brains of teenagers. Why? Because I believe those brains have never been used, and transplanting one will make you an automatic expert at everything." - on Neurology.

"Robert, if you're going to be a surgeon, you're going to have to learn how to think, talk, and suck at the same time." - as I was answering questions poorly and trying to suction at the same time during a hernia repair.

(in a booming voice) "AND THE AORTA WAS PERFORATED AND BIOPSIED IN THE USUAL STERILE FASHION... AHH HAHAHAHAHA" - as the medical student tried to put in a central line, and the patient's heart rate started beating through the roof.

"Hey, what are you planning to do with Jabba the Hut in room seven?" - doctor to resident about an overweight patient in the Emergency Department.

"Robert, earmuffs." - a frequent request when I wasn't supposed to hear what people were saying.

"Believe me, we could have a whole fellowship here for 'Weak and Dizzy.' It's a great subspecialty." - describing the types of patients that come into the hospital.

"Dr. T and rhythm position him Mary it would go to feel with the transcriptionist the name of the game to straight Liza Young tube Mary Elizabeth Young. Thank you very much for this transcription in this wound." - a word-for-word reprint of part of my very first dictation on pediatrics.

"Oh, she can miss a meal. A lot of big girls like to be told they're big girls. So I told her." - physician on rounds.

"Sir, it would be a tragedy if you walked out of here and fell down the stairs when we could rehydrate you and probably prevent that from happening."
"A tragedy? A TRAGEDY?!? Nay. A tragedy would be if Obama got reelected! Falling down the stairs is not a tragedy." - patient who wanted to leave the hospital against medical advice (AMA).

"Have you ever seen a guy that fat? I've seen TempurPedic mattresses that are less spongy than him." - as an extremely obese patient is hoisted onto the cath table.

"Okay, rock-paper-scissors for whether we discharge this kid tonight or tomorrow morning... GO!" - ah, the Art of Medicine...

"Wait, what?!? He decided to give up his Coumadin for Lent?? Who does that?" - about a new stroke patient who was no longer taking his life-saving anticoagulation medication.

"This is why all Podiatrists should be shot." - on an X-ray showing a metal screw inserted into a foot in order to "cure" the symptoms of flat feet.

"Room 20 has chlamydia. Does she need to be on contact precautions?"
"Not unless you want to have sex with her. In that case, yes, I would probably use protection..." - nursing conversation.

"Oh yeah, he's easy on the eyes. That tall and a body to boot? Yeah I'd f*** him." - a patient to my attending as we entered the room. I had already completed the initial interview.