Going Gaga

Day 11 - The Performance. I promised that "5 Star Nerve" would be the last appearance of the world renowned White Lightning (NB: over 5,000 hits, check it out), but he decided to perform just one more time. Out of respect, and in the honor of the multifaceted Ronald Milam, I will refer to White Lightning in the third person for the rest of this post. As stated previously, one of the dancers on the ship - no, not strippers, they actually did some pretty wicked musicals, entertainment, etc. during the two weeks - asked Robby whether he would like to participate in the Celebrity Cruise "Dancing with the Stars" competition. Four patrons would each learn a different 60 second routine, and shake it in front of thousands, if not millions, of fellow vacationers. Natalie told Robby that she was going to go get a drink, but he could think about it and she would come back in 10 minutes. Before she could dash away, WL accepted the offer. The music selection would be up to Natalie, but it was obviously suggested by the rapper that something along the lines of Lady Gaga would be crucial for future victory.

The new couple agreed to meet the next day to rehearse. In a fairly obvious choice, Natalie selected Poker Face. She wrote a routine that was easy enough for the great White Lightning to pick up instantly, but hard enough that the LOPs (Little Old People) would be unduly impressed and perhaps a little too excited, leaving an indelible mark on some LOP pants. The video (which I will post at a later date after some quick editing) demonstrates these impressive moves, but the picture of the beautiful man above, in the black cutoff t-shirt, six year old jeans, borrowed flat brim hat, and Nike frees should paint of picture in your mind of just how gangster this performance was.

And so they practiced for a whopping 30 minutes before Natalie had had enough and called it quits. Meanwhile, Keith Laabs and his partner Sarah were gearing up for a fantastic rendition of Me and My Shadow, the classic 1927 hit. This video must also be posted because, although they did not end up winning, they scored the most points in the first round for their hilarious use of slapstick comedy and laugh out loud pantomimingization. After two more fifteen minute rehearsals, Keith and the WL practiced a few more times on the ship's sixth floor deck. The steps became not just routine, but actually written into the neurons of their respective cerebella.

At 22:30 sharp, the show began. All four couples were introduced, and in the process White Lightning dedicated his dance to his mother (which later shocked the judges due to its impressively risqué nature). Up first was a male dancer with his rather chubby victim. In pink drag, they subtly shook their way through Dancing Queen by ABBA, and won the hearts of the judges and the pity of the crowd. The ballroom dance theme of the second couple was clearly abysmal, but in their defense, the patron was a last minute selection - the former guest had been violently struck down by the Norwalk virus.

After the waltzing pair received their poor scores from the judges, one could see from a distance a 75 year old woman tapping the White Lightning on deltoid, seconds before their performance. "Son, you have to just let it all hang out, just let your heart take you where you want to go!" Suddenly, he realized that he didn't need the two white russians and pair of corona extras that he had pounded over the last 60 minutes. The anticipation was gone, his fear beneath him. It was time. White Lightning was going Gaga.

The lights dimmed. Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ba-da ba-da. And they strode in from either side, devouring each other with their eyes. The crowd could taste their desire. Shift right, shift left, and repeat. Step step step step, hands left, hands right, shimmy and twice more. Stage left, bump four times, turn and work it. Push off, kick up off the floor and freestyle freestyle freestyle, turn. Team cartwheel and pose. The music faded and although cliché, the crowd went wild. He wasn't even out of breath.

Me and My Shadow followed, but the third routine unfortunately was not appreciated by the judges. Personally, Robby thought they deserved way more credit, but one friend was going home. The ABBA crew and Lady Gagas squared off in the finale, with the final outcome determined by audience applause. The Dancing Queens simply had no chance as Natalie and WL threw in some new moves during the freestyle to win by an obscene margin.

And what did he win? Why, a gift certificate for a free Ionothermie Spa treatment. That sounded fairly substansh until he found out that it was a way to lose 1 to 8 inches off your waistline via sweating out all the water from your abdominal region in the sauna, pushed into various manipulations by a quack. Sure, it also "improves circulation and removes unwanted toxins," but he generously traded it in for a mini-facial (worth one-third the price I might add) and gave it to his beautiful sister. That left the WL with a t-shirt, pen, and playing cards as his reward.

But he didn't do it for the prize, or the Little Old People or for Keith. He did it for his mother, and that's what makes him special.

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Seriously though, I tried to trade that shit in for a Aroma Stone Therapy Massage that was ten dollars cheaper and they said No. We even went to the Cruise Director asking him to force the Spa to make the switch but those conniving bastards held their ground. Bullcrap, I tell you. So Keith and I had to celebrate by buying 25 dollar buckets of beer ourselves (six bottles that is - buy five get one free. With tip that's like 4.50 a bottle, and that's the best deal on the entire boat.).

Worth it. That night, and for the remaining days on the cruise, we were celebrities. To quote the great Rolicious, thank you Natalie for making chicken salad out of chicken ish.

Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun, and baby when it's love if it's not rough it isn't fun.